Miserable At Best
by xJKxD
Summary: Three months have passed since Kakashi left the anbu and Tenzou still wasn't able to get over it. One evening he randomly stumbled into his friend, but this event left him shocked. Kakashi wasn't alone any more. A little sequel to "Left Behind", though you'll fully understand it without reading it first.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** _If I would own Naruto...*nya...Tenzoouuu...* sry ~ got distracted ~ eh plot is mine characters aren't. xD_  
**Careful: **_Yaoi ~ don't like it ~ pls don't read it_

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The recently appointed anbu captain was walking through the cold and way too rainy night for the 26th of May.

He just came back from an anbu mission, but luckily he could change his clothes back at the Hokage's building, as soon as the brownhaired had finished reporting the succeeding of his squad.

It wasn't because his clothing was wet of the constant rain, but rather because of the amount of blood shed in the battle, covering all of his slim clothes, that he had to change his outfit.

The blood was his own, from a quite nasty wound on his shoulder, which still kept on bleeding through the different first aid bandages, mixed with the blood of their fallen enemies. Needless to say that the most of the feverish red liquid, which was spilled, wasn't his.

Now, clothed in fresh standard jonin wear, he made his way home to his own place. His small room wasn't located far away from the amusement part of Konoha, where most of the bars and other nightspots were established.

It wasn't like Tenzou would often pay them a visit, but the rent was quite cheap and he didn't really care about the noise or the other simple issues, such as vandalizing drunkards or flirtatious women. He barely had to deal with them, thanks to his anbu skills, he successfully avoided most of these threats.

The brunet hasn't been very picky with his apartment, he could have probably afforded better, something nicer, he didn't even had to move in the first place, but he urgently wanted to.

Till now Tenzou was used to live with his Senpai, sharing one flat in the anbu dormitory together. But he wasn't able to stay in this place any longer since Kakashi left.

The emptiness succumbed him and before he completely lost his head, he decided to move out. However, the brownhaired wasn't often at his so called new "home", too care much about the environment.

"It's already been months, hm?!", he sighed, his head facing the dark, but illuminated sky.

To be accurate, it has been three months since the two men have parted ways and ever since Tenzou had accepted any mission, he was assigned to without the slightest hesitation.

There, he had to concentrate, leave all his other thoughts behind, somewhere stored far far away in the back of his mind. As his thoughts wander off, he felt anger and sadness growing in him again.

"Why am I not able to let go, damned!", he murmured, his voice as thin as the air surrounding him.

He of course knew the answer, he just refused to see it, accept what would be best for him. Something, he just never did. The words of his Senpai were still echoing inside his head, "I'll wait for you."

Every time his thoughts travelled back to that particular day, this special moment, when Kakashi-Senpai told him he would leave, his head would start spinning, his inside tempting to cry out loud, releasing all the frustration and loneliness, he was experiencing from this day on.

It wasn't the first time though. He has been lonely before, that was the reason why he couldn't stand being without him all over again.

This time was worse, this time he had been scared, afraid of loosing what he didn't know, had not even dared to dream of, back as a child.

Loosing the first person, the only one, who could make him step out of the barriers he had built around himself, which had kept him in a silenced darkness, not able being hurt by paying with the price of having friends, family or love.

Loosing the feeling of being together, the feeling of being trusted, being needed and being loved or at least being able to love the person responsible.

"Don't cry, Baka," he cursed himself. Tenzou was trying his hardest and the hardest part was letting go. These emotions of not wanting to let their time end, though, were indeed his first ones and he just didn't know how to handle them.

The nights they've shared together were still haunting him. He would never fully understand why he left him, left him all by himself. He was aware of Kakashi knowing for certain, that his Kohai wouldn't be able to follow him on the path he decided to walk back then.

Now it was even more difficult for him, he was promoted a captain, filled the space Kakashi had left. He had his own members to take care of, just like Kakashi had his team of the new generation of shinobi. Even if Tenzou would wish for him to come back, staying and fighting alongside him, he knew it would be different.

Time passed and relations have changed, became more distant, even though it hurt, he had to admit this simple rule of life, before he would carelessly raise his hopes.

It was a fact hard to declare and unable to swallow it, his mind was still clouded by the illusion of Kakashi by his side.

He had truly believed that he would spent the rest of his life with him and though he knew that an anbu's life could be horrible short, he would have at least died next to him.

The edges of his eyes wetted and he angrily tried to kick a can out his way. Of course he failed, which only made him more desperate. Instead the can rolled slightly in front of him, mocking Tenzou for his childish behaviour, his playful try.

Groaning out loud, he leaned his head into his neck, focusing on the dimmed heaven and as he saw the first stars shimmering in it, he felt his heart aching.

Mementos of the past were flashing in front of his closed eyes, preserved in a time neither of them could touch any more.

"Compared to his eyes nothing shines quite as bright."

He remembered being with Kakashi, the sensation of how he was able to stir up his blood, only by siding with him, looking up into the distant sky and though Tenzou always knew he would never be his, he wanted him so badly.

Tenzou sighed again, his respiration visible and flowing into the night, recalling him of the cold he didn't notice till now.

He rubbed his hands, in order to warm his freezing body up and maybe to clear his mind, making him forget about the silverhaired, who made him feel alive like nothing or better like no one else could.

The brunet passed a few more streets and it wasn't much further to his apartment when he saw the men he admired that much walking only a few meters in front of him.

"Speaking of the devil...," he whispered somewhat amused. At first he wanted to run up to him, greet him, just walk him home, wherever this might be. He frowned, "I don't even know where he lives."

But suddenly his heart itched one more time, as he saw another male, already walking at his side.

They seemed both to be in high spirits, were talking to each other while they moved down the street, laughter filled the calm air.

It looked like the younger male could entertain Kakashi pretty well, which was a hard job to do as Tenzou could tell from more than six years of experience. Hearing his tender voice laughing out loud was a rare sensation, he was able to perceive only once in a little while.

His throat felt sore, the word of greeting was stuck in it. Maybe it was just because of him, maybe he couldn't make him smile like this other brownhaired could.

Swallowing hard, he tried to get rid of this uneasy feeling of jealousy, "I'm not normally jumping to conclusions so quickly, dammit!"

This had to happen just as his foggy mind started to clear. Tenzou bit strongly onto his lower lip, an old habit, usually appearing when he was hopelessly bothered and not quiet sure what to do.

A ponytail was all he was able to recognize of the man accompanying his Senpai, before both of them entered a nearby tavern, which they were heading towards to.

Tenzou's rational part of his conscious told him to go home, forget about it, finally, but it was clear that the curiosity won and soon after the men were out of his view, Tenzou followed them in anbu style, soundless and invisible, into the bar.

He sat down in the opposite corner, covering himself with the dark and smoky atmosphere of tobacco and alcohol and watched his Senpai and apparently Iruka, as he was now able to identify him by the remarkable scar on his face, sitting down on a table on the other side of the room.

He made sure that none of them noticed his spying and though he felt a little bit ashamed, he just had to know what was going on.

Even as the waiter approached and asked him for his drinks, he didn't take his eyes off the two shinobi. He simply shrugged, ordered a glass of water and waited for the man to leave.

The laughter was getting louder, the men touched each other randomly, like a hand on the shoulder or a gentle push to acknowledge an entertaining joke.

Kakashi-Senpai looked so differently. So open and though it hurt Tenzou to confess it ,"he looks happy." The grip on his glass tightened. These damned words kept repeating in his ears, "I'll wait for you, Tenzou!"

While across the room he stared at them, the brownhaired sat closer to Kakashi and got the nerves to even lay his arms around his waist, pulling him closer.

Tenzou couldn't believe his eyes and not being able to avert his gaze, he watched, his deep brown eyes filled with horror, Iruka's mouth drawing closer till it was only inches away from Kakashi's side.

He kept sight of every single movement of his lips, which were whispering into his ears, moving closer to him, nearly touching his naked skin.

The brunet was glued to the sight in front of him. Not being able to process what was happening, he was too distracted to actually read what Iruka's lips were saying.

Maybe he didn't want to know in the first place.

_"Curiosity killed the cat, ne?", _he could feel his stomach beginning to turn and it didn't matter to him what he said or what Kakashi would answer.

He suddenly knew that he would say "Yes", because it seemed like these words were never easier to say for the young brunet or for Kakashi the second does.

Before Tenzou would completely lose his composure, he decided to step down, he couldn't take this any longer. While emptying his glass at one gulp, leaving the money on the table and his heart feeling wrenched out, he immediately escaped the place.

As soon as he found himself on the streets again, he stumbled over his own feet, his vision was blurred, the pictures of the two men were burned deeply into his eyes. He felt sick.

Only a few minutes before, he accepted that he couldn't live without him, he began to understand that without Kakashi, he would be miserable at best. What happened in that bar crashed all his remaining hopes to dust, those hopes he shouldn't have held to begin with.

"I'll just stay at anbu for the rest of my life and if I'm lucky I'll die fast, as a hero on some deadly mission," he cried in silent, "Not like anyone would care."

He always thought his Senpai would care at the very least, but now he knew he was wrong about that.

"So much to the waiting," he spit out these words, which had already started to crawl their way up from the horrible, uneasy feeling in his stomach at the very beginning of this encounter.

Back in the cold, he wrapped his arms around him, starting to head home. The first tears started to fall only a few more meters later.

"Enough already!", his voice failed to sound as harsh as it should to scold him for making himself feel even more pathetic.

He knew that Kakashi was all that he could have hoped to find in every single way he could think of. But everything he could give him is what he couldn't take.

Now nothing felt like home any more and the one he loved was like thousand miles away for him to reach out to. Not only seemed the distant to be unbearable, but Kakashi also wasn't alone any more.

Tenzou's breathing got thinner and he coughed to stabilize it, his head got weary, feeling so helpless. Suddenly he realized that the hardest part of living is just taking the breath to stay.

Kakashi told him that he was good for something and Tenzou felt that he just hadn't found it yet. How wrong he was. And again, it was Kakashi who made him realize what he was worth, what he needed, wanted for his life.

His voice trembled, his shoulders were shaking, as his shaking breath filled the air, "Why couldn't you just tell me that I would never be able to get what I want the most, Kakashi?"

As a result of his trembling body, he felt the stitches of his freshly sewed wound opening up. At least the pain of his wounded shoulder made his earlier thoughts disappear and the sudden warm blood running down his arm felt so comforting. He was alive and the physical pain eased his hurting heart and mind a little.

He pressed his hand onto the wound, stopping the blood flow and as he watched the red liquid running through his fingers he made up his mind.

Knowing that he would neither be able to forget Kakashi-Senpai nor tell him how he really felt, what he wanted and that he missed him so desperately, he had to force himself to back off.

He realized that if Kakashi hadn't been dating Iruka, it would have been the first time in weeks that he would have talked to him.

Tenzou wasn't sure what he would have said?! Maybe there was nothing to say any more. Their time was over, what they've spent together was gone, lost.

And he knew Iruka was a better match for him. He witnessed the proof today.

Tenzou's tears still hadn't dried as he felt another wave to come. It hurt. Damned it hurt too much. Three months have already passed and he wasn't able to sleep without thinking about him.

And now he would dream of Iruka's lips on his cheeks.

Damned! Jealous. Grief. Pain. What else is he gonna put through today?

His hand turned into a fist, trembling in pain.

He wanted to feel Kakashi's warm skin under his fingers and repeat the night they've had when Kakashi decided to leave. He wanted to have him all for himself, no one should hear his harsh and needy voice, touch his hot, burning skin, kiss these tender lips of his.

No one except him!

Tenzou came to the point that he should leave Kakashi alone. But if he was honest than they both knew, that Tenzou wasn't strong enough and he missed these lips that made him fly.

* * *

_**Ohayou,**_

_**This is what happens after listening 10 days straight to Failing Up, LP, Skillet and especially Mayday Parade xD - Maybe some of you see the resemblance...xD**_

_**One more thing - I was sick during last weeks (rly bad stomach virus) and I couldn't write anything, so next chaps will take a little longer than expected.**_

_**See ya, xJKxD**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**If you liked the ending of the first chapter - pls don't read on because I will more or less "ruin" it xD I just couldn't stand Yama being sad. And I prefer happy endings. xD ~ And I srsly can't let KakaIru happen in my fics xD**_

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Tenzou's mind was still occupied with the thoughts hanging on his Senpai, as the silverhaired suddenly approached him.

The brunet didn't detect him, till he heard his lazily voice speaking up to him, "Yo! Tenzou, Wait up!"

He turned around immediately, the back of his hand reflexively removed the bitter tears, which were endlessly streaming down his face.

"_Hopefully Kakashi won't notice,"_ he begged silently, though it must be nearly impossible to oversee his saddened look. Quickly he put on a faked smile, laughing away the tears, just like he used to do.

"Kakashi-Senpai. How often do I have to remind you not to call me by my actual name?", he mocked him slightly, avoiding the matter at hand. As if Kakashi-Senpai would ever listen to him.

"Maa. No one's here and I like Tenzou way better than any of your code-names."

Tenzou's cheeks blushed a little and he turned his pretty brown head away.

"Anyway. You really shouldn't keep Iruka waiting," right after the words have left his lips he regretted them, was the meaning behind them simply too obvious.

"Is there a way to sound even more jealous?!", he mentally slapped himself. Not being able to hide his envious undertone and totally forgetting that he watched the two men secretly, his face grew even hotter.

But Kakashi only shook his head in response, not mentioning his spying at all.

"You know that I don't like being around that many people."

Many people? Tenzou was obviously confused. "I thought you and Iruka were...-", he stopped just in time to realize how jealous he sounded and that it was actually none of his business.

The silverhaired just smiled, "He celebrates his birthday, you know, you should have at least greeted him or did you forgot?"

Birthday? That was what it was all about? Tenzou was tempted to hit his head on the next available wall because he imagined Kakashi and Iruka would date each other...and the image really hurt him.

If he had finished his last sentence a second ago...

"You're okay?", the soft voice roused him from his slumber.

Kakashi was standing now closer to his Kohai, his head inspected the freezing figure in front of him carefully, he was so close that his calm breath tickled Tenzou's uncovered skin.

It shamed him that it didn't take much more to heat up the warmth inside of him and being completely at lack of words, he started to babble confusingly, "Me? Why. Yes. I'm fine. Why shouldn't I?"

Did Kakashi know what he was thinking? Tenzou's hand gently rubbed through his brown hair, which was already drained by the continuous rain falling down on the ground. Kakashi's silver hair was still alright.

"Exactly as it should be," he thought smilingly. He didn't want him to get a cold or ruin his unique hair because of him.

The older man chuckled, his hand rested in front of his covered mouth, before he slowly pointed to the brunet's bleeding shoulder.

"Well, your shoulder doesn't look that _fine,_" he explained and touched him softly, examining the wound as if it were his own.

The injury had completely slipped his mind, but when Kakashi's fingers accidentally grazed a critical spot, which still hurt, he shivered slightly, teeth ground and lips sealed to suppress an anguished cry.

"Sorry. It hurts, doesn't it?", the silverhaired asked worried, a small trail of the liquid blood, dripping from the left shoulder, covered his own fingers, coloring them in a dark luminous red.

Tenzou tried to shake his head convincingly. "It is nothing. Really. Simple kunai wound," he smiled faintly, "Nothing worth to make you worry about."

Though it wasn't a life threatening wound, it did indeed hurt, but the brownhaired didn't want to involve his Senpai any further. He would only treat him like a careless child by caring about this small cut on his shoulder and Tenzou was still feeling too anxious to be around him right now.

His head was still trying to figure out what he has seen back in the bar.

But either Kakashi didn't notice or probably he just didn't care as he had already grabbed his arm to decide by himself how bad the wound really was.

His eyes crinkled into his usual smile, placing Tenzou's hand into his own, he whispered, his voice firm, not allowing any backtalk.

"You come with me. I'll take care of your shoulder and you can sleep over," his tone softened, "Like in the old days."

The old days.

"Hai!", Tenzou agreed without further thinking, maybe a little too euphoric, because his sudden response made Kakashi laugh. But the brunet couldn't care less.

The grip on his hand tightened as they began to head home to Kakashi's place. Together, side by side they walked through the icy rain. Kakashi's uncovered fingers entangled with his.

"_He's so warm," _Tenzou smiled, _"If I could I'd never let go of his hand."_

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_**Ohayou,**  
_

_**I was inspired yesterday cuz my father visited and brought me so much japanese style food from my fav restaurant...even Takoyaki.. *happy* and since the new weird, totally uneeded filler arc started (Yes I don't like it much - only watch it cuz Yama is in there!xD)...I wanted to continue this to create a little happier ending.  
**_

_**And yes if you want me to write just give me free food xDD See ya ~xJKxD  
**_


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